Too much time, too much silence

You’re not in school, you don’t have a job, your friends are slowly disappearing from your life. Your hobbies and passions are seeming less important and valued. You force yourself to come head first with the realization that you can’t even support yourself, let alone be ‘happy’. You watch as people are creating something out of their life and wonder what the hell happened?! How could things have gotten this out of control, and how could people around me allow this? You feel like scraping the filth out of your brain in hopes of gaining some clarity.

The person you never thought you’d become is starting to manifest itself. Food is a chore, a burden. Sleeping becomes the only thing that is worth looking forward too. Getting out of bed seems close to death. Mirrors make you angry as your skin starts to reflect the obscurity within. You can’t bare to set goals, because the vision for your life is starting to fade into bleakness. Everyone is ok with your mediocrity. Despondency, the vapidness of social media, the vortex of vanity and distraction, and time passing and passing with nothingness wrapped so neatly around is the montage of your life.

Where did you go wrong? What does any of this mean? What stupid test is this? This pseudo, phoney, Holden Caulfield, farce of a life. You were sold into some majesty and you’re left to show for yourself hours of Youtube and pathetic tears. It’s an addiction to never starting or finishing.

I can say that is what my life has consisted of for the past 4 months and possibly more than that. While it has been numbing and existential on my part, it is bizarre and unbecoming to watch your parents cry as you lay in bed, a vacant expression etched across your face.

I walked myself into this particular depression. I had great plans for this break I decided to take for this year, but it went in a different direction. Even at this moment while I write this I am struggling not to shut the computer off and curl up in a ball. I’m forcing myself not to. It’s so f****** difficult man. None of this makes any sense to me, and I hate myself for not learning this lesson earlier. But that is the trap my friends. Instead of making this story useful, I keep rehearsing the regrets and mistakes over and over to where I am left paralyzed to make a decision.

Please don’t let yourself fall into this much silence. Don’t walk yourself down that alley when you already know what’s on the other side.

I work differently than other people. I can’t stand myself for that long, so I need to be out in the world creating something. I need to be invested in some community or working towards something outside of myself. I need people depending on me because I can honestly say I can’t depend on myself. Don’t be convinced that you have indomitable will. You need accountability too.

I have no answers. I am not out of it yet. I am in the thick of it trying to push through the molasses.

I’m letting the next while be the change I need to see in my life. Or in your life. Otherwise the sinking will abandon us too.




Feminism Means Nothing Anymore

I remember when I was a kid and I told everyone that I was a feminist, and remember completely what that meant to me. I figured it was about saying women were amazing creatures, and as sisters of the world, we needed to be our own army of freedom fighters. I believed in it so strongly, that I would tell all my friends about this word, what it meant, and I how I was better than them because I was one. The movement had colour and fire to it, passion in all forms. But what do we like to do to every good thing in this world? Beat it down until even the pulp has no weight.

We live in democratic society, yet judgements of the media and women are taken to such extremes. A movement thats focus is to promote equality for all races, has decided to create a wave of feminism that is equally as objectifying. We take for instance, the scandals of Miley Cyrus and the blurred lines video, and I apologize for continuing to breech this overused topic, but its what everyone wanted to talk about. Both of these artists made choices for their art, and whether we agree with the it or not, isn’t the actual problem. It is the issue of how women desire to see other women as. People are that jaded to think that a girl who is topless in a music video is being forced, ball and chain, to do it, where it was their CHOICE. If Miley Cyrus decides to bear it all, it doesn’t mean the retaliation of feminists should be she is selling herself to the media. The fact is, it was her CHOICE.


I honestly believe that women enjoy preaching the image of the independent women, even if they don’t practice it. Someone who rejects male domination and believes in herself as a strong person. When we see an image that doesn’t fit our status quo of what we think is independent, we automatically assume that the male population and the media control these abominations. I don’t disagree with the fact that the media projects an image of women that is degrading, but retaliating with an equally as awful image of female domination is not right ( Blurred Lines Feminist Parody- look it up).

I used to be proud of women standing up for what they believe in, because it had substance. It wasn’t about subjugating yourself to the media’s level and losing all respect. But now, its like even as women we have forgotten what it means to be a true feminist. Fighting petty battles over a music video or some half nude pictures of a disney star isn’t our path. Feminism means to be a empathetic human being to all people. To serve the world to spread equality and justice, showing how we can all be a force to be reckoned with. . We should want to create a movement that is about helping create LESS WORLD SUCK ( thanks John Green), and help the world focus on the real issues of the world. I believe in the strength of all people, do you?