Too much time, too much silence

You’re not in school, you don’t have a job, your friends are slowly disappearing from your life. Your hobbies and passions are seeming less important and valued. You force yourself to come head first with the realization that you can’t even support yourself, let alone be ‘happy’. You watch as people are creating something out of their life and wonder what the hell happened?! How could things have gotten this out of control, and how could people around me allow this? You feel like scraping the filth out of your brain in hopes of gaining some clarity.

The person you never thought you’d become is starting to manifest itself. Food is a chore, a burden. Sleeping becomes the only thing that is worth looking forward too. Getting out of bed seems close to death. Mirrors make you angry as your skin starts to reflect the obscurity within. You can’t bare to set goals, because the vision for your life is starting to fade into bleakness. Everyone is ok with your mediocrity. Despondency, the vapidness of social media, the vortex of vanity and distraction, and time passing and passing with nothingness wrapped so neatly around is the montage of your life.

Where did you go wrong? What does any of this mean? What stupid test is this? This pseudo, phoney, Holden Caulfield, farce of a life. You were sold into some majesty and you’re left to show for yourself hours of Youtube and pathetic tears. It’s an addiction to never starting or finishing.

I can say that is what my life has consisted of for the past 4 months and possibly more than that. While it has been numbing and existential on my part, it is bizarre and unbecoming to watch your parents cry as you lay in bed, a vacant expression etched across your face.

I walked myself into this particular depression. I had great plans for this break I decided to take for this year, but it went in a different direction. Even at this moment while I write this I am struggling not to shut the computer off and curl up in a ball. I’m forcing myself not to. It’s so f****** difficult man. None of this makes any sense to me, and I hate myself for not learning this lesson earlier. But that is the trap my friends. Instead of making this story useful, I keep rehearsing the regrets and mistakes over and over to where I am left paralyzed to make a decision.

Please don’t let yourself fall into this much silence. Don’t walk yourself down that alley when you already know what’s on the other side.

I work differently than other people. I can’t stand myself for that long, so I need to be out in the world creating something. I need to be invested in some community or working towards something outside of myself. I need people depending on me because I can honestly say I can’t depend on myself. Don’t be convinced that you have indomitable will. You need accountability too.

I have no answers. I am not out of it yet. I am in the thick of it trying to push through the molasses.

I’m letting the next while be the change I need to see in my life. Or in your life. Otherwise the sinking will abandon us too.