‘Real Love is Never Ambivalent’

Said the words of Belize from Angels in America, Tom Kushner’s masterpiece play.

When he said those words, Real love is never ambivalent, he mocks this idea that loving someone in its essence is never jaded, manipulated, confused, or hurt. It is never of two minds, it is never unsure or doubtful. That true, real love is guided by a pure divine intention. How misguided this belief is, he declares, because of how we don’t even believe that ourselves. We yearn to attain that sense of pure love while betraying, neglecting, and hurting those around us.

That we ourselves are not worthy of this certain love, this constant unwavering love. How self-righteous are we to expect that from some unknown person. Belize, in many ways, is completely correct. He announces what he sees, the ignorance, the pain, and the hypocrisy of the world around us.

What I have discovered, however, is that no character is ever completely trustworthy. We cannot completely trust in the words of a persona that many seem more righteous than others. I began to agree with everything Belize would say, without recognition that maybe Kushner is challenging us yet again with another opposing way of thinking.

The cynicism in mocking the idea that real love is never ambivalent concerned me at the core level, though, because it goes against everything that I’ve ever believed in. No matter how apathetic, doubtful, or critical I am of partnership in general, there will always be this completely truthful person inside who cannot fathom a life where someone never finds their love. Even if it is for a fleeting moment. I cannot imagine, cannot fathom, and would rather hide and run away than face what couldn’t be.

Maybe he is right though. Maybe we hurt each other, take each other for granted, lose respect for all the conglomerate of memories that were created from that love, and all we see are the space between it all. The void that dances between everything good and pure.

All I can see is that void.







Too much time, too much silence

You’re not in school, you don’t have a job, your friends are slowly disappearing from your life. Your hobbies and passions are seeming less important and valued. You force yourself to come head first with the realization that you can’t even support yourself, let alone be ‘happy’. You watch as people are creating something out of their life and wonder what the hell happened?! How could things have gotten this out of control, and how could people around me allow this? You feel like scraping the filth out of your brain in hopes of gaining some clarity.

The person you never thought you’d become is starting to manifest itself. Food is a chore, a burden. Sleeping becomes the only thing that is worth looking forward too. Getting out of bed seems close to death. Mirrors make you angry as your skin starts to reflect the obscurity within. You can’t bare to set goals, because the vision for your life is starting to fade into bleakness. Everyone is ok with your mediocrity. Despondency, the vapidness of social media, the vortex of vanity and distraction, and time passing and passing with nothingness wrapped so neatly around is the montage of your life.

Where did you go wrong? What does any of this mean? What stupid test is this? This pseudo, phoney, Holden Caulfield, farce of a life. You were sold into some majesty and you’re left to show for yourself hours of Youtube and pathetic tears. It’s an addiction to never starting or finishing.

I can say that is what my life has consisted of for the past 4 months and possibly more than that. While it has been numbing and existential on my part, it is bizarre and unbecoming to watch your parents cry as you lay in bed, a vacant expression etched across your face.

I walked myself into this particular depression. I had great plans for this break I decided to take for this year, but it went in a different direction. Even at this moment while I write this I am struggling not to shut the computer off and curl up in a ball. I’m forcing myself not to. It’s so f****** difficult man. None of this makes any sense to me, and I hate myself for not learning this lesson earlier. But that is the trap my friends. Instead of making this story useful, I keep rehearsing the regrets and mistakes over and over to where I am left paralyzed to make a decision.

Please don’t let yourself fall into this much silence. Don’t walk yourself down that alley when you already know what’s on the other side.

I work differently than other people. I can’t stand myself for that long, so I need to be out in the world creating something. I need to be invested in some community or working towards something outside of myself. I need people depending on me because I can honestly say I can’t depend on myself. Don’t be convinced that you have indomitable will. You need accountability too.

I have no answers. I am not out of it yet. I am in the thick of it trying to push through the molasses.

I’m letting the next while be the change I need to see in my life. Or in your life. Otherwise the sinking will abandon us too.



Comedy, Politics

Dear Stupid Boy from York University


If you all haven’t heard (its a good thing if you haven’t) recently in there has been news about an eighteen year old Korean boy, Wongene Daniel Kim, who has caused the most ridiculous stir up I’ve ever read. Most of us have read articles where university students complain of being discriminated against from various reasons, whether it be cultural or just gender specific. From the same university, there has been several Muslim girls who have requested permission for divided classrooms of girls and boys to fit their individual needs, as well as many others.

This, my friends, makes me angry.

To explain this young man, a Health Science Major and York University, walked into a Women and Gender Studies Class (Already sensing the irony?), where he was alarmed to find that he was the only male in an entire class of females. He requested the professor if he could complete the work online instead of going to class, as he felt uncomfortable. The professor agreed, but told him that he would not receive any marks for attendance, projects, and participation in class. He ended up failing the course, and the boy went to the Human Rights Tribunal to say he was discriminated against.

Apparently, he wasn’t aware he was failing, as the teacher had not posted the marks online. He says, “We live in a digital era, why couldn’t she have posted the marks online? I believe if you want to attract more males to these courses, you have to work with them. My request for accommodation was reasonable.”

It goes on, but in a nut shell, I’m deeply frustrated that something like this even went to court, let alone the newspaper. Are you really going to presume that you are being discriminated against, when the only arguments you have are that you are shy around women! And that is some sort of justification for this type of disruptive sexist behaviour. I don’t care what type of religious or cultural background you are from, when you enter a university, there are certain things that universities do not have the obligation to a accommodate for. And thats your social incapabilities. If you have issues with talking to woman, fess up to those problems instead of hiding under this pathetic facade and find productive solutions. You are wasting the common citizens energy to be frank and clear.

The reason I even bring up this article is not just to shed light on the idiocy of this one student, but to reflect upon our ideals as a society. If there was a classroom of boys and one girl came in, should the professor be expected to make special arrangements for this student, who chose to be in the class? Should we continuously make schools a place that tip toes around religious and cultural ideals, or should we start mandating the core values of our society? And this isn’t to say in some cases, where a student has legitimate moral issues with certain assignments or such, that those can’t accommodated, but somehow this cases become a breeding ground for unnecessary schools of thought such as Kim’s.

I’m sick a tired of people using the word discrimination so casually, Do you even understand the weight of that word? How rooted in this history of the people that gave you the opportunity of coming to this country? It is disrespectful to try and use that word when you have so many incredible resources and tools provided for you. And you have the audacity to say you’ve ben discriminated against?

Ok. I’m calming down. My point is, in the end, try and be a productive member of your society. Face the issues that you have, and try and find ways that give a purpose for the world. Instead of screaming for attention in the most cheap way, try learning about this cultures way of life, and what we must stand for as a society.



Late Night Musings

What all High School Seniors Need to Hear

This obsession with figuring out our lives has consumed all our minds. Everyone walks around with the presumptuous attitude, asking questions like,

“What are YOU going to do with your life?”

But the thing is, people only ask that question to one up their own pursuit. They’re so insecure of their own decisions that they need to interrogate you for  your lack of direction. Some of us can fake it better than others, but its like without that support of knowing where you’re going, no-one really believes you can make it.

Its this need for a plan. The plans means reassurance that we won’t fail. That we won’t end up like our miserable parents or our siblings with no direction. The thing we won’t admit is, all of this nonsense is just to divert everyone from the fact that we’re scared. We’re shitting our pants in thinking about being alone and starting all over again.

One of my favourite motivational leaders, Iyanla Vanzant, said something truly profound in a conversation between her and Oprah. She said, when we enter a new situation, something unfamiliar, all of the issues that we haven’t confronted come rushing to the surface. She must have been talking about relationships, but I think this has everything to do with our lives as teenagers. High school is this bubble of comfort, we’re invincible and indestructible. No matter what we do, we can’t be touched, can’t be affected. But without that army, that shied, who would we even be? So, we push it back and charge forward in our fearless youth, unapologetic to our own blind faith. And we bound together by this burning fire in all of us, wanting to be everything and anything that we can.

let it bee

So, ditch the plan. I’m not saying don’t have goals, but if we were all honest with each other, none of us have a clue about where our life will go. And that mystery is the most exhilarating part, so don’t let everyone else’s  fear kill that desire. That desire to love deeply and drink in all the knowledge you can. And putting yourself in the box of everyone else that can’t for the life of them have one interesting conversation without involving the bleak realization of a lifetime of bills and regrets is a waste of your time.

Because you are so much more than the all of those things. You are so much more than the plan or the money. You are impulsive and beautiful, broken and scared, stupid and naive, all somehow blended together. And why the hell are you ashamed of your fear? Because people are telling you that the odds are against you, that what your doing doesn’t make sense? Whatever the case is, that fear is your strength. That strength to annihilate all the walls in your way. And fuck those who think otherwise.

Late Night Musings

Why I Can’t Sleep


There are these moments in my life where I’ve been completely honest. Devoid of any thoughts of, “That’s not how I really feel”, but letting out the truth. And honestly, I’m usually alone. I live for those moments of clarity, because most of my life is covered in this hazy fuzz. Unsure if anything is real, I just keep moving, until honesty is my only power.

The Night fuels those thoughts.

As a writer, this is the only time of the day where I am alone with my miserableness. Every secret, every anger, every doubt, every sad song becomes a confused medley in my head. If I lose it now, did they ever exist?

I could choose to sleep earlier. I need to wake up early for so many different reasons, but every time it gets to 10 pm. I suddenly force myself to stay up just a few moments longer. I find it weathering to imagine facing yet another day of life. While that sounds awful and cynical, I don’t mean it in that way. I am in, what they call, oceanic bliss, at night, and the thought of losing that too soon by succumbing to sleep is frightening.

My mind goes to every possible direction it can go to, whether it be failure, hope, disappointment, regret, jealousy. I think about all the books I should have finished, all the homework I didn’t get done, and the idle moments that could have been utilized better.

The truth is, though, that art, in its various forms, is highly anti-social. We create in our heads, we thrive in solitude. I think that is bitter beauty in creation, while you need hundreds of people to make it real, only one person holds the burden.

I remember reading an article by Neil Gaimon, and it pretty much said that when you feel an idea coming, don’t let it go. That’s what makes us different from other people. We notice the world with so much more clarity that others around.

So I say this to all writers, all composers and dancers, all singers and poets, when you are sitting on your bedroom floor, exhausted and dejected, know that there are a thousand of us behind you. An army of lost souls. You can’t expect people to understand, and they don’t need to.

Because you have the indomitable will of the dreamer.

Comedy, Late Night Musings

Why I love Mindy Kalling


Just a quick update on the current love of my life. Its hard to say when the love turned into any obsession, but it happened way quicker than I thought it would. It all started with conversations I’ve had with my brother, in which he predicts all the different possible outcomes of my life. After a stream of lukewarm ones, he finally lands on “You know the Indian girl on the Office? DO YOU KNOW HER LIFE STORY?” I then learn of all the amazing things shes done for herself, just by working as hard as she could and being as hilarious as she is. The women is a writer, producer, actress, comedian, etc,etc, but I bet you already knew that through wikipedia.

In any case, none of those conversations really led to want to really figure who she is, because I for some reason have a complex in which I dont like to follow what a mass group of people likes. Flashforward, like 6 months later, Im sitting in best friends house and she’s showing me passages of her hilarious memoir, and Im trying again, really hard not to like her as much as I want, and I still refuse. I finally gave about 1 week from today, in which I discovered

dun dun dun

The Mindy Project

If you have not already watched this show, what are you doing? Please, please, with all my heart I am telling you need this show in your life. If not to furthur distract you in your never ending list of shows that everyone is telling that “you haave to watch” (imagine the voice of janice from friends saying this.), then at least be that one soul sliver of light in you mundane life. She plays a 30 year old doctor who honesty, barely does the doctor stuff, and has more hilarious personal drama to occupy her life. Her friends consist of weird middle aged italian men, a convict nurse, stoner receptionists, and more. Her work in the show The Office probably helped with the really random comedy.

I think the thing that makes her so accessible, is her total unabashed confidence in herself. She is totally authentic in what she does, and I guess thats part of the reason she’s so hilarious. A show of awkwardness and brutal honesty, I recommend you all check it out for a daily chuckle 🙂



10 Ways to Win Over Your Brown-in laws

For the sake of all the non Indian/Pakistani/Sri Lankan/Brown Coloured Individuals out there, if you ever decide to marry us, what you should be weary of. If you are Desi and you don’t already know these things…where have you been? You should have know this from birth.

In any case, I will help you, pathetic desi-loving individuals, in the pursuit of winning over your in-laws.

1.) If you are of the following races: white, black, hispanic (it is a colour), asian, and or something not identifiable, you have to work that much harder. You approval rating has already gone down 40%. Its a proven study.

2.) Don’t wear revealing clothing, or even better, wear Indian clothing. This goes for boys and girls. You boys with your buttons open to show more boobage than girls ever do, and the vortex that is your chest hair. Seriously, no-one wants to see that. Your mother-in-law could be raping you with her eyes. Think about it. And girls, brown parents judge you anyways, don’t give them another reason to talk shit.

3.) Don’t leave your hair out. Get those strands out and away from your face, and depending on how traditional the parents are, you may need to put it in a braid and have jasmine flowers pinned in. Look the part ladies, and don’t be bums boys.

4.) Always bring a gift, usually fruit or a flower pot. Don’t be giving sari’s and chocolate until your sure they don’t hate you.

5.) *HIGHLY IMPORTANT* NEVER sit idly. Your Desi in-laws will automatically assume your either dumb, mute, incompetent, or rude.

6.) IF your uneducated and your from a middle class house hold, you might as well give up while your trying.

7.) If your male, have a job. Or at least make shit up about what your profession is. Unemployment= Disapproval.

This leads me the next point,

8.) If your in an obscure profession, save yourself the time explaining and play it up. For example, Urban Planner = Architect.

9.) If your mother-in-law is getting chai, the girl must instintually accompany her in serving. During this process, the male must engage in riveting conversation with the father-in-law about politics, how the government is corrupt, and cricket.

10.) If all fails, say that you are a doctor. They wont care about anything you say after that.

Trust me on this, as racist and shallow brown parents seem, they’re really not that bad…