Said the words of Belize from Angels in America, Tom Kushner’s masterpiece play.
When he said those words, Real love is never ambivalent, he mocks this idea that loving someone in its essence is never jaded, manipulated, confused, or hurt. It is never of two minds, it is never unsure or doubtful. That true, real love is guided by a pure divine intention. How misguided this belief is, he declares, because of how we don’t even believe that ourselves. We yearn to attain that sense of pure love while betraying, neglecting, and hurting those around us.
That we ourselves are not worthy of this certain love, this constant unwavering love. How self-righteous are we to expect that from some unknown person. Belize, in many ways, is completely correct. He announces what he sees, the ignorance, the pain, and the hypocrisy of the world around us.
What I have discovered, however, is that no character is ever completely trustworthy. We cannot completely trust in the words of a persona that many seem more righteous than others. I began to agree with everything Belize would say, without recognition that maybe Kushner is challenging us yet again with another opposing way of thinking.
The cynicism in mocking the idea that real love is never ambivalent concerned me at the core level, though, because it goes against everything that I’ve ever believed in. No matter how apathetic, doubtful, or critical I am of partnership in general, there will always be this completely truthful person inside who cannot fathom a life where someone never finds their love. Even if it is for a fleeting moment. I cannot imagine, cannot fathom, and would rather hide and run away than face what couldn’t be.
Maybe he is right though. Maybe we hurt each other, take each other for granted, lose respect for all the conglomerate of memories that were created from that love, and all we see are the space between it all. The void that dances between everything good and pure.
All I can see is that void.